by: Ingram Jones
Earlier my wife, Atiya, discussed the “Five Mindsets That Hinder Black Women From Relationship Success.” She was right on the money and as a Black man; I have encountered many of those mindsets. Consequently, for me I wasn’t willing to accept them and therefore, I made the choice to date women who were not plagued by those issues. Often I chose women who were not Black.
While I have had my share of the world’s Diaspora of women, from India to Europe, what I found was that all women have issues as do men, and some can actually be far greater than what Black women appear to have. The bottom line is that many Black men can highlight these issues and send the article my wife wrote to many women to “help them see the light.” However, I will boldly say to brothers, issues that permeate the Black community no matter where we are in the world, are problems that not only lie with the Back woman. In fact brothers, we are a major part of the problem.
From the many white, French women, and Indian women that have shared my space and sometimes my bed, when it boiled down to it, I knew in my heart that I was only going to marry a Black woman. I had a fundamental belief and still do that no other type of woman can identify with my needs, my desires, and my struggles as a Black man like a Black woman. I had to stop playing and get about the business of manning up! I had to admit I was part of the problem and thus went to work to change myself for the better and was blessed to meet a beautiful Black woman, who yes struggles or have struggled with some of those same mindsets but me stepping up to the plate to be the man I should be helps to balance out those perceived “issues.” In many cases those “issues” or “mindsets” that we men see are only a manifestation of where we fail as fathers, as sons and as husbands.
I affirm that all Black men have the ability to provide for her, protect her, and profess and communicate with her on a level that is mature and balanced. However, the question becomes, “Is he willing to do so?”
As a Black man born and reared in London, United Kingdom, I may not identify directly with the woes of Black American men and women, but I do know that as a Black man my situation in London is not so different than a Black man’s situation in America. So when I sought out relationship success, borders didn’t really matter. All I knew was that I was not interested in perpetuating the generational oppression and suppression and I was interested in connecting on a much higher and deeper level with a woman who not only respected me, but one that I could also be proud to honor and respect as a man.
I had to realize that my relationship failures had very little to do with the women I was entertaining, but everything to do with me. So brothers out there who are hell bent on pointing out the “Five Mindsets that Hinder Black Women from Relationship Success,” let me give you one up on that. We can point the finger all day long, but until we put some things in check ourselves, we too will be burdened with mindsets and behaviors that hinder us from having success in our relationships. We will never be satisfied as men with just one woman because we won’t see her for who she really is. As many men have held the magnifying glass up to women, ask yourself the question, “Do I have some mindsets that may be hindering me from relationship success?”
Check it out. Do you fit into any of the following categories?
Seven Mindsets that Hinder Black Men From Relationship Success
1. Resentful Reggie
Resentful Reggie helps to give rise to a Bitter Barbara. Neither mindset is any different than the other. Both are disenfranchised and have been deeply hurt by their counterpart and consequently blame the other for their pain. Resentful Reggie is still holding a grudge from his first love that broke his heart and just won’t let it go to even give another woman a chance with his heart. He’s like a librarian who can give you the rundown of all his previous relationships.
What is interesting is that although Resentful Reggie is extremely resentful, you often hear him ranting and raving about how fantastic his ex was to his current love interest, who somehow just can’t seem to measure up to his former love. Any smart woman would ask, “If she was so great, why aren’t you still with her?” Every woman wants to be the apple of her man’s eye. Therefore, many are quick to run from Resentful Reggie in hopes of being the main squeeze in someone else’s juice.
2. Important Ichabod
Important Ichabod doesn’t need a woman in his life to help him meet anything. He is financially stable, drives a nice car, can buy anything he wants including people to cater to his every waking fancy. He can woo a woman’s knickers right off of her in broad daylight. His sidekick Busy Bruce is like an alter ego, making sure every moment of his time is caught up in making more money and buying more people for his collection of return favors.
Important Ichabod, in a day can go from one city to the next, close the deal, find the time to impress a woman with his “money talks and everything else walks” mannerism, have a drink and a quickie with an almost stranger then catch the next flight out back to his high-rise condo in the heart of any major city. Important Ichabod has the attitude that women are dispensable and like cars, jewelry, and employees can be replaced when they cease to perform effectively. What Important Ichabod fails to realize is that people are not things and no matter how much he can brag to his colleagues about how much money he spent on lunch or how many women he’s “tapped,” good women desire men of substance and not superficial and arrogant pricks who probably don’t even like women anyway.
3. Baggage Brian
Baggage Brian is always trying to drop his bags at somebody else’s doorstep. As a matter of record he is responsible for the bag lady that Ms. Badu sings about. Baggage Brian has baby’s mamas and mamas’ dramas. Wherever he treads, you can smell the stench of the hood rat, who just can let it go.
“Niggas take off runnin from you it’s true oh yes they do.” Those are the words of Ms. Badu that rings true. Baggage Brian attracts women with issues and preys on those who are vulnerable. He’s a Slick Rick, a Hustling Harry, and a Trifling Troy. He doesn’t turn up on time, doesn’t return your calls, and always trying to make a quick quid. He’s what they call a day late and a dollar short and never has time for a serious relationship because he is too busy running from his responsibility. He gives Black men a bad name.
No one wants a Ghetto Gregory but a Hoodrat Henrietta; and all those different bags that Baggage Brian is bringing, please, a real Black woman who is on the ball will tell Baggage Brian to bounce. A serious woman is coming for real, and she ain’t tryin’ to deal with his Sh*#! A real Black woman is going to tell Baggage Brian, he better “call Tyrone.”
4. Mommy’s Melvin
Mommy’s Melvin is mama’s baby and daddy’s maybe. He cannot even get into a meaningful relationship because he hasn’t found the balls to cut the apron strings with his mama. He’s a big grown-ass man and his mama is still buying his boxer shorts, cooking his meals, and washing his clothes. Hell mama’s even going to the club with him. No woman can even get close enough because his mother doesn’t want to lose her little boy to another woman; and when you have to turn and say, “Oh no, that’s my mother,” that’s when you know you’re too close.
Now, it is one thing to have a good relationship with mum because how you treat yours is an indication of how you will treat “your” woman. I am not suggesting that every man in the world has a wonderful mother because that is not the case, but the ability to look beyond her flaws and still treat her with respect is a key attribute to any man looking or desiring a successful relationship. But come on brothers, some of you who know you struggle with the mindset of a Mommy’s Melvin know that you have been mothered too damn long. Let the truth be told, if a real woman came your way, would you even know what to do?
5. Fielding Freddie
Fielding Freddy has a personality for every woman he creeps with. No matter what names he gives the damsel in distress, he is still Fielding Freddie and a Cheating Charlie. Plain and simply put he’s a dog. Fielding Freddie has no control of his animalistic side, and feels the need to share his manhood with every female that he sees. For him, every woman is an opportunity because he is thrill seeking rather than soul seeking.
Fielding Freddie doesn’t appreciate a good woman, and when he sees one instead of recognizing his mother, daughter, or wife, he sees a stripper, a hooker, a gold digger or diva. He has the position that all women have nasty attitudes, are manipulative, and can’t be trusted. When he does meet a woman with good ole fashioned “Christian values,” who wants to save herself for marriage, he works to tarnish her in order to fit her into the “all women are the same” mold he has been conditioned to believe.
What Fielding Freddie doesn’t get is that he is enslaved by faulty reasoning and has bought into the hype of what the media, entertainment, and music industry has put out. Consequently, he is part of the problem rather than the solution. A real woman wants a man who is willing and able to commit, and not some foolish little boy still trying to play peek-a-boo games with his Peter Paul pecking Patty, Paula and Pearl.
6. Dumb Darnell
Dumb Darnell lacks the knowledge of himself. He enters a relationship before discovering what he likes or dislikes, therefore becomes a great candidate for making out with Demanding Deena. He is led to believe that he owes her something and he might as well put on her skirt because what he is really acting like is a a p#*!!y. No woman wants a weak man. He knows he is not in the right relationship, but denies himself the happiness he deserves because he is too afraid to man up and wear the “draws.”
What Dumb Darnell don’t understand is that he may very well have a good woman, but because he is not stepping up to the plate, she is forced to make it happen because he is too afraid to move and do something about it. So Dumb Darnell creates a Demanding Deena by not being the man that he is capable of being. To get away from the noise, he leaves her carrying the load, hooks up with Wannabe Willie who doesn’t have a woman, and gets influenced to go out and kick it in the club.
Dumb Darnell ends up in a situation trying to make a single mindset fit into a committed relationship; and because he has no backbone to make decisions, ends up juggling Demanding Deena and Stressful Stephanie.
7. Preaching Paul
Preaching Paul is stiff; he’s rigid and like Righteous Rhonda can quote the scripture from Genesis to Revelation. However he can’t keep a good woman because what comes out after a while is that he is a male chauvinist pig and disillusioned by his belief of being the Alpha and Omega. The only relationship he may successfully have is the one with his right or left hand. Even then, he won’t because his religious dogma teaches him it’s bad.
Preaching Paul spends so much of his time preaching to others that he fails to see the speck in his own eye. He believes every woman is Eve and must totally submit herself to him to avoid eternal damnation. He has no concept of love and compassion. This brother must love to hear himself talk, because that’s all he does is talk. Black women run from Preaching Paul because of their fear of purgatory.
Brothers we have just as many issues as Black women; and it is usually our issues that begets theirs. If we do our part and what we should do as men, then you just might find that the mindsets some Black women have are very easy to change when we work to change ours.